Friday, November 22, 2013

Catching Fire will set fire to all US box office records...

Let me start off by saying I haven't read Catching Fire (yet) the second book in the arguably best teen style trilogy of all-time, but that actually made me enjoy the movie more.  I didn't know what was coming, especially the ending.  A few of the things were obvious like Katniss giving hope to all the districts and the uprisings that start to take place  (a sign of things to come very soon) to her surviving the 75th Hunger Games, spoiler alert I guess.
 
The roles were all done amazingly this time, perhaps even better.  The bit parts done by Elizabeth Banks (Effete Trinket) who stole every scene she was in,  Stanley Tucci (Caesar Flickerman) who stole every scene he was in, Lenny Kravitz (Cinna) and Woody Harrelson (Haymitch Abernathy) were great.  And Elizabeth and Stanley should get consideration for best supporting actor and actress, they were just. that. great.  Donald Sutherland aka one of the best villians ever played on screen (President Snow) stole the overall show and set up the finale(s)? perfectly.

It starts off after the 74th Hunger Games finish and Peeta and Katniss need to make their "love story" real during the celebration tour.  All is not well though throughout the districts, Katniss and Peeta's act of defiance is the spark of something big, so big President Snow knows he needs Katniss gone.  How does he plan to do that?  By making the 75th Hunger Games like no other.  Fast forward to the end of the games and Katniss has nothing left, and that makes her a very dangerous person.  The story is to be concluded over the next two Thanksgivings.  And sometimes, lets just say some of the events hit a little too close to home...

The cinematography was great the story flew by and my only gripe as I sit here writing away at 3:30am is that 5-10 minutes probably could have been cut but that said great movie.  Oh and like I said this will own the box office in this country for weeks to come.

My rating: 9.5/10
IMDB: 8.1
Rotten Tomatoes: 90%

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Movie Review: The Conjuring

Ok I have put off this review 48 hours longer than I should have but I have my reasons. One, after seeing The Conjuring you WILL be jumpy for the next 12 hours and will not sleep well the night after you see it. Oddly enough that’s a compliment to a movie whose sole premise is to tease you make you jump and just downright scare you. Oh and it does all 3 of those things well.

It starts off with a misdirection about a creepy as hell doll that has demonic forces controlling it (don’t worry you find out about this in literally the first 2 minutes of the movie, I’m not giving anything away). The film is about 2 families, Ed and Lorriane Warren, who were aptly played by Pactrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga, and Roger and Carolyn Perron played by Ron Livingston and Lili Taylor. Right off the bat things aren’t right, freaky stuff is happening all over, rotten egg smells randomly, doors opening and closing, clocks stopping at a specific time… and there is no explanation (no rational one anyway) as to why this is happening. Finally Carolyn tracks down the Warrens at a conference they put on in local colleges. Keep in mind though this is 1971, what the Warrens do is looked at with raised eyebrows today, people were incredibly skeptical about this stuff back then but fortunately the movie doesn’t go into this at all and for that I give it credit.

 Now for those of you who know me I don’t scare easy but this movie freaked me out for about a day. Even my mom noticed I seemed to be on edge after coming back from the preview screening Wednesday night. Also seeing it with a theater full of people helps, there’s a lot of laughter early on but not the funny ‘haha’ kind, more like the funny ‘I’m laughing because I want to cover up how nerve racking this is’. Anyone over 70 or under 13 should NOT see this movie. Over 70 because you might literally be scared to death (yes that can happen) and under 13 because he/she won’t sleep for weeks after that. The movie is rated R soley based on how scary it is, granted there is a little gore and one or two swear words but I’ve seen PG-13 movies get away with more in those two aspects. In fact if there was such a rating as NC-13 (If you are under 13, you cannot buy a ticket to this movie, period) this would get it but that can’t happen yes I know.

I say this and I don’t say it lightly, this is the best horror movie I have ever seen, EVER. Better than Psycho, better than the original The Haunting (old black and white 1950’s movie, check it out sometime) better than the Blair Witch Project, Sixth Sense, etc. Go see it, then go tell your friends to see it. Then go tell random people on the street to see it. It is that good. And if a horror movie could ever get an Oscar nomination for Best Picture this would be the one, but that can’t happen. Hollywood won’t allow it.
My rating: 10/10
IMDB: 8.0
Rotten Tomatoes: 85%

Monday, December 17, 2012

I AM Adam Lanza

On Friday and over the weekend, like the rest of the nation and world, I watched in horror and heartbreak on what happened in Newtown. Then when I heard about the shooter (that's how I will refer to him or maybe "A L", I only could bring myself to write his name once in the title) having Asperger's and being mentally ill. Well lets just say that hits way too close to home for me. I have struggled with mental illness through most of my teen and now young adult life (for those of you who don't know, I'm 26 right now). This post will be somewhat modeled after the "I am A L mother" article that has floated around the web the past few days. While it is important to get a parents perspective I think it is much, much more critical to get inside the head of the shooter. Not to defend him or explain away why he did it, we all know that this is an indefensible act, but on how to prevent people like him from taking their problems out on society and completely innocent children and adults. This is going to be somewhat tough for me so please bear with me, in order to understand where I'm coming from you need to know where I've been. I had a somewhat normal childhood but when puberty kicked in things really started to go downhill. I was a pretty good basketball player for my school (I was 6'1 by 7th grade and finally topped out at 6'4 in 9th grade) but I was teased day in and day out. I was the classic loner and remember thinking when Colombine happened that I could, sadly, really relate to those two guys. I thought about suicide constantly from the age of 13 to 15, ironically the thing that saved me from ever attempting it is the fact I am an only child and I wanted to stick it out for them. If I had siblings I would have tried, and maybe even succeeded at it but thank God I'll never know. I have not even told my parents (well just Mom now, but we will get to that later) that fact to this very day. Now unlike a lot of kids High School was an absolute Godsend for me, ironically the people that made my life a living hell in grade school and middle school became good friends in high school that I stay in contact with to this day. There were still battles of depression and bipolar (but we didn't know at the time) but things didn't start to get really crazy until about the Summer of 2005 (you can even go back on this blog and see some of the stuff I posted). When Katrina hit New Orleans something in me seriously snapped, I'll be damned if I know what but it let me to being hospitalized for about 10-14 days in September 2005. The rest of the year is fuzzy because apparently coming down from a manic episode that I had is a very serious and delicate process. It still is to this day I take my medication every night out of sheer routine because if I have another episode like that they say there is a chance I might never go back. That being said I still remember being manic was awesome, it felt like I could do anything and that my IQ had increased 50-60 points, my mind was always racing with new and creative ideas and I really wish I had written some of them down because they might have actually been good ideas, alas I'll never know. Finally in 2006 I was diagnosed with Aspergers and being on the 'autism spectrum', I still don't exactly know what the hell that means and I do kind of think its a cop out. I know I am different, but unlike most people with my condition I am outgoing and love people. I was never violent during my time being manic but I did threaten violence, sad to say I think I may have even threatened my parents but fortunately they understood it wasn't really "me" talking. That being said I know I could become violent if I felt that I needed to protect someone or myself. I managed to graduate high school with much ease which is apparently uncommon as well, I never had a real problem until college. And believe me it wasn't the work, for some reason after my manic episode I just stopped caring about school. I could do the work but I chose not to, or when I did choose to I did it really half-assed. The thing is I got the attitude that this was stupid but I did manage to get an Associate's degree. I went to the U of M for 3 semesters before being kicked out and I really have no desire to go back. I also love to argue and don't shy away from verbal bouts, as you can see in past examples on this blog. I have become much better and more refined at it over the years and have hopes of maybe seeking public office someday in the distant future. I also want to thank the fact that I have Aspergers because I really believe it helped me cope with my Dad's sudden, unexpected and tragic death earlier this year. I have learned to compartmentalize things and I believe that is a great function of this condition, I really don't like calling it a disease even though some do. I am also aware that my story COULD have been much different, while I still struggle to pay bills and payback money that my Mom has loaned me over the years and still have a long way to go. That being said I could easily be in prison or jail for doing something stupid while in a different state of mind. Due to the ACLU and patient advocate groups it is much harder to commit someone involuntarily even if they need it. We need to re-think our laws. It shouldn't be as easy as it was to throw people in a mental institution but it also shouldn't be as hard as it is now. It is basically impossible to hold someone without their consent for more than 72 hours. We also need more mental hospitals/institutions whatever you want to call them. Things need to change, we need to rethink these laws. We DO NOT need to curtail 2nd amendment rights. We need to be able to commit people that need it. Finally I will end my post the same way the woman whose article inspired me to write this: It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

Sunday, January 29, 2012

And now for something uplifting...

Now with all the depressing world news and the vicious Republican Primary in full swing I thought I'd do a story that is uplifting and actually quite cool. I found this on snopes.com and the best part is it is actually a local story that went viral thanks to an amazing and awe-inspiring picture...


courtesy of the star tribune...
It was a crow that first caught Frank Glick's attention. It was flying around erratically, so Glick got out his Nikon camera and followed it. It was around 6 a.m. on a hazy spring day and he was driving through Fort Snelling National Cemetery because he was early for a training meeting at Delta Airlines, where he works. Glick is an amateur photographer, but he always carries his camera, just in case. So he followed the crow, in some cultures a symbol of good luck and magic, until he saw it: a huge eagle perched on a tombstone, its eyes alert, its head craned, looking for prey. In the foreground, dew glistened on the grass.

Glick got his shot. He didn't think too much about the photo, until he showed it to a co-worker, Tom Ryan, who e-mailed it to his brother, Paul. Paul wondered whether a relative of the soldier might want a copy. The tail of the eagle partially covered the man's name, but Paul did some research and looked up the soldier's name in newspaper obituaries. The eagle had landed on the grave of Sgt. Maurice Ruch, who had been a member of the St. Anthony Kiwanis Club, the obituary said. Paul called the club, and it put him in touch with Jack Kiefner, Ruch's best friend. When Glick took his photo, he never could have guessed how much it was going to mean to Kiefner and Ruch's widow, Vivian. One day this week, I met with Kiefner and Vivian Ruch in her St. Anthony condo. The actual print would be delivered later that day, but Vivian held a copy of the statuesque photo and her voice broke as she talked about Maurie, his nickname, who died from a form of Parkinson's in 2008 at age 86. "I'm sorry," she said. "This is very emotional for me." Maurie graduated from college in mechanical engineering in December of 1941 and enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Corps. Known for his keen eye, he became a rifle marksman and was stationed in the Aleutian Islands. He served four years in the military and earned a bronze star.

To those who knew Maurie, he was a calm and deliberate giant. He stood 6 feet, 4 inches tall, with broad shoulders, but he was also unassuming and unpretentious. "Used to call him Mr. Precise," because of his love of order and knack for fixing things, said Vivian. The Ruches had a rotary telephone long after they became obsolete because Maurie scavenged parts and kept the phone working. "He could work a slide rule like nobody else," said Kiefner, who was a manager at Honeywell when Maurie was there as an engineer. Kiefner and Maurie were friends for more than 60 years. Not many people can say that anymore. Maurie also loved nature and photography, so "he would have absolutely loved this picture," Vivian said. "I told him his first love was his rifle."

On a rainy morning, Vivian spread photos of Maurie in the service, and the two old friends sat and ate banana bread and talked about a man they both loved. They got that opportunity because a guy they didn't know, Frank Glick, caught a special moment, and he and his friends took the time to seek them out and share the photo. I told Vivian that some cultures believe the eagle is a symbol, not only of patriotism and dignity, but a messenger between heaven and earth. She nodded solemnly.

"I'd say the eagle had a very good eye when he landed on Maurie, and he was respected," she said. "I miss him," said Vivian as she picked up the photo. "He was a good man and a good provider." "The eagle couldn't have picked a better person," said Kiefner. He paused. "This has been kind of fun hasn't it?" Tears welled in Vivian's eyes.

Friday, January 06, 2012

Failblog/Failbook/FML friday...



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Today, I was at a party where I ate bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

Today, my 5 year old lactose intolerant daughter decided to have some chocolate. The result: me cleaning the bathroom walls at 3am, finishing at 4:30am, and then start cleaning again at 5am when her stomach contents decided I had missed a spot. FML

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F.2010. FML
Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML


Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

Wednesday, January 04, 2012

I promise I'm going to be better at this...

Very demotivational wededays here again...


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Thursday, December 15, 2011

SOTW #42 Rise Against - Satellite

I think this is the fourth or fifth time I've put a Rise Against song on my blog. I love these guys' songs but I hate their political views. This song seems relatively neutral about that shit though.


Monday, December 12, 2011

Michael Savage, my hero...

As many of you know I have been doing this blog since 2005 (which in blog terms is practically the stone age) and even before then I had sharpened my belief system into a libertarian-conservative view (only difference was back then I was pro-choice, I have since switched positions due to more in depth research of the abortion movement/planned parenthood/Margaret Sanger) but the man who really helped me in my development was Michael Savage. He said what I was thinking but was too scared to say and millions of people too. I used to listen to him religiously on am1280 when he was on nightly 8-11pm. He has since been bumped for Mark Levin (I have no idea why) and is relegated to the graveyard slot (2-5am) on the station. But I digress, this is his message today that is catching fire and I really hope Newt would do this, for the good of the party, but he won't. If he does though I would be forever grateful as an activist and throw my full support behind Romney, unless Santorum upsets him in Iowa. Here's Savage's message from earlier today...

(SUBJECT TO ALL THE TERMS AND CONDITIONS TO BE EXPRESSLY STATED BY DR. SAVAGE, INCLUDING GINGRICH DROPPING OUT WITHIN 72 HOURS OF TODAY)

THE REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL FIELD HAS COME DOWN TO TWO CANDIDATES WHO HAVE A REAL CHANCE OF GETTING THE NOMINATION: NEWT GINGRICH AND MITT ROMNEY. WHILE IT’S TRUE THAT ROMNEY IS NOT AS STRONG A CONSERVATIVE AS MANY WOULD LIKE HIM TO BE, THE MOST PRESSING ISSUE BEFORE AMERICA TODAY IS DEFEATING BARACK OBAMA. AND THAT IS SOMETHING NEWT GINGRICH CANNOT DO. FOR WEEKS ON MY SHOW, I HAVE ENUMERATED THE REASONS WHY GINGRICH CANNOT SUCCEED IN AN ELECTION AGAINST OBAMA:

WHEN HE WAS SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE, GINGRICH FAILED TO DELIVER ON HIS SO-CALLED CONTRACT WITH AMERICA.
HE MADE ADS WITH NANCY PELOSI PROMOTING THE FALSE THEORY OF GLOBAL WARMING.
HE’S IN FAVOR OF AMNESTY FOR ILLEGAL ALIENS.
HE’S TAKEN HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM FANNIE MAE AND FREDDIE MAC, TWO OF THE MOST CORRUPT FINANCIAL INSTITUTIONS IN HISTORY.
HE’S CHEATED ON TWO WIVES AND LEFT BOTH OF THEM WHILE THEY WERE BOTH SERIOUSLY ILL, WHICH WILL DESTROY HIS CHANCES AMONG FEMALE VOTERS.
HE CALLED THE REPUBLICAN PLAN TO REFORM MEDICARE “RIGHT WING SOCIAL ENGINEERING.”
IN A PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE AGAINST OBAMA, REGARDLESS OF HOW WELL HE DOES, ON TELEVISION, HE WILL COME OFF BADLY COMPARED TO OBAMA AND LOOK LIKE NOTHING MORE THAN WHAT HE IS: A FAT, OLD, WHITE MAN.
NEWT GINRICH IS UNELECTABLE. MITT ROMNEY IS THE ONLY CANDIDATE WITH A CHANCE OF DEFEATING BARACK OBAMA, AND THERE IS NOTHING MORE IMPORTANT THAN THAT FOR FUTURE HEALTH, SAFETY, AND SECURITY OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. THEREFORE, I AM OFFERING NEWT GINGRICH ONE MILLION DOLLARS TO DROP OUT OF THE PRESIDENTIAL RACE FOR THE SAKE OF THE NATION.

IF NEWT GINGRICH REALLY LOVES THIS COUNTRY AS MUCH AS HE SAYS HE DOES, IF HE REALLY WANTS WHAT IS BEST FOR AMERICA, HE WILL SET HIS EGO ASIDE, CALL ME, AND ACCEPT MY OFFER. HIS CONTINUED CANDIDACY SPELLS NOTHING BUT RUIN FOR CONSERVATIVES, REPUBLICANS, AND ALL TRUE AMERICAN PATRIOTS. ONE MILLION DOLLARS IN EXCHANGE FOR PRESERVING THE NATION, NEWT. I SAY TAKE THE MONEY… AND DON’T RUN.

Please Newt, for God's sake drop out.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Failblog/Failbook/FML friday...

again...

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter nd told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

Today, my 5 year old lactose intolerant daughter decided to have some chocolate. The result: me cleaning the bathroom walls at 3am, finishing at 4:30am, and then start cleaning again at 5am when her stomach contents decided I had missed a spot. FML

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F.2010. FML


Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML

Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

Today, I found out that my mother has been purposely wrecking every relationship I've had since junior high because ''no one is good enough for her little girl''. FML

Today, I went to see the new Twilight movie, for the second time. The first time was at the midnight premiere. I would be "okay" with it if the person who had dragged me to see it both times hadn't been my boyfriend. FML

Today, I used the same credit card to apply to college and pay for a rave ticket. My card went through on the rave ticket but denied the college application fee. I guess my credit card is trying to tell me something about my future. FML

Today, my girlfriend decided we are ready for the next step in our relationship. Apparently that next step is her taking a dump with the door open. FML

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

Today, I was in class. I am an older student going back for my PhD. I was kicked out of class for "sassing" my instructor for telling him he was wrong about what took place at an event I was actually present at. My instructor is a 22 year old TA. FML

Today, I wore a fake diamond ring on my left ring finger to my college class, so that people that I barely talk to would actually think that I have a love life, instead of just being "that anti-social girl that sits in the back." FML

Today, after having paid to download an iPhone FML app, I found out that the real 'Fmylife Official' app was a lot more complete. And free. FML

Today, I found out that my friends were convinced that I was gay. I have known most of them for 3 plus years, they all thought my girlfriend was a special shopping partner. I found this out while announcing my engagement. FML

Today, I finished a 50 page term end thesis essay on the history of Russia. Looking over the final requirements once more, I find I made just a tiny little mistake. It was supposed to be a thesis on "Prussia". The paper's due tomorrow. FML

Today, we had my school musical. The girls have to wear long skirts. I had a thong on, and while we were dancing the guy behind me stepped on my skirt. It fell to my ankles... the whole audience saw my ass. FML

Today, I gave a speech at a charity event in part to help with my shyness. Nobody told me I was standing on top of an air vent. It went on. My skirt flew up, revealing my underwear to 90 people. Nobody remembers the content of my speech. FML

Today, I found out my diet and exercise plan wasn't nearly as effective when it comes to weight loss as I had originally thought. It turns out what really accounts for all the weight I've been losing is tape worms. FML

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

Today, I finally got a hold of my husband who I haven't actually talked to in 2 and 1/2 weeks since he is deployed and it's hard to chat. He told me he couldn't talk because he was in an epic battle, in Call of Duty. FML

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months called me. He said his mom was making him choose between having a dog or having a girlfriend. I asked him which one he picked. He was quiet, I heard barking in the background. FML

Today, our midterm exams were returned in my urban politics class. I had studied hard and scored 86%. The blonde girl next to me got a 92. Earlier in the semester she had asked me what state Detroit was in. FML

Today, I'm travelling to England for an important meeting. I'm Norwegian, and my name is Bård. I have to introduce myself as bored the whole day, because that's how my name is pronounced. FML

Today, I met a girl who's the whole package: brains, beauty, shared interests, great personality, single, and into me. Too bad I married my bitchy, depressive high school girlfriend who said she'd kill herself if I didn't.Sometimes, she still tells me she'll do it if we divorce. I believe her. FML

Today, I was in a meeting at work. In the middle of our CEO's speech, I farted. Everyone heard including my boss, who looked over and said, "Do you have anything else you wanted to add?" FML

Today, I was on Tiger TV, our high school's monthly TV program which was shown at lunch today. I was being interviewed and at one point the reporter made me laugh. I have a goose laugh so everyone in the lunch room started laughing. Then they played it in slow motion. Twice. FML

Today, I listened to a woman take an extremely fragrant crap while I waited for my pregnacy test result in the Target bathroom. FML

Today, I went to Victoria's Secret to get sized. I put the card that says my size in my pocket, then went to the movies with my boyfriend. When the person at the counter asked me to hand them my ticket, I reached into my pocket and handed it to them. It wasn't the ticket. It was my bra size. FML

Today, I was at my 10 year high school reunion. I saw the girl I used to have a BIG crush on, so I decided to go over and say hi. She screams when she sees me. Then, she starts hitting me, looking panicked. I control her and ask why she's hitting me. She says 'Everyone thought you were dead!' FML

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

Today, I found out where my $300 worth of American Eagle and Hollister clothes had disappeared to. My 16 year old sister shredded them with scissors, took pictures of it for her Myspace and said that I deserved it for being a "conformist." All her "internet friends" said it was awesome. FML

Today, I found out my college friends are going to attack me after Christmas and attempt to tickle me to death. All because they know that I hate to be tickled. They are also going to make a Facebook group dedicated to the matter so random people can join in if they wish. FML

Today, my boyfriend got rejected by his dream college. In an effort to comfort him, I told him that he is incredibly smart and that it's their loss. He replied, "Of course you think so, you're an idiot!" FML


Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML

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