I AM Adam Lanza

On Friday and over the weekend, like the rest of the nation and world, I watched in horror and heartbreak on what happened in Newtown. Then when I heard about the shooter (that's how I will refer to him or maybe "A L", I only could bring myself to write his name once in the title) having Asperger's and being mentally ill. Well lets just say that hits way too close to home for me. I have struggled with mental illness through most of my teen and now young adult life (for those of you who don't know, I'm 26 right now). This post will be somewhat modeled after the "I am A L mother" article that has floated around the web the past few days. While it is important to get a parents perspective I think it is much, much more critical to get inside the head of the shooter. Not to defend him or explain away why he did it, we all know that this is an indefensible act, but on how to prevent people like him from taking their problems out on society and completely innocent children and adults. This is going to be somewhat tough for me so please bear with me, in order to understand where I'm coming from you need to know where I've been. I had a somewhat normal childhood but when puberty kicked in things really started to go downhill. I was a pretty good basketball player for my school (I was 6'1 by 7th grade and finally topped out at 6'4 in 9th grade) but I was teased day in and day out. I was the classic loner and remember thinking when Colombine happened that I could, sadly, really relate to those two guys. I thought about suicide constantly from the age of 13 to 15, ironically the thing that saved me from ever attempting it is the fact I am an only child and I wanted to stick it out for them. If I had siblings I would have tried, and maybe even succeeded at it but thank God I'll never know. I have not even told my parents (well just Mom now, but we will get to that later) that fact to this very day. Now unlike a lot of kids High School was an absolute Godsend for me, ironically the people that made my life a living hell in grade school and middle school became good friends in high school that I stay in contact with to this day. There were still battles of depression and bipolar (but we didn't know at the time) but things didn't start to get really crazy until about the Summer of 2005 (you can even go back on this blog and see some of the stuff I posted). When Katrina hit New Orleans something in me seriously snapped, I'll be damned if I know what but it let me to being hospitalized for about 10-14 days in September 2005. The rest of the year is fuzzy because apparently coming down from a manic episode that I had is a very serious and delicate process. It still is to this day I take my medication every night out of sheer routine because if I have another episode like that they say there is a chance I might never go back. That being said I still remember being manic was awesome, it felt like I could do anything and that my IQ had increased 50-60 points, my mind was always racing with new and creative ideas and I really wish I had written some of them down because they might have actually been good ideas, alas I'll never know. Finally in 2006 I was diagnosed with Aspergers and being on the 'autism spectrum', I still don't exactly know what the hell that means and I do kind of think its a cop out. I know I am different, but unlike most people with my condition I am outgoing and love people. I was never violent during my time being manic but I did threaten violence, sad to say I think I may have even threatened my parents but fortunately they understood it wasn't really "me" talking. That being said I know I could become violent if I felt that I needed to protect someone or myself. I managed to graduate high school with much ease which is apparently uncommon as well, I never had a real problem until college. And believe me it wasn't the work, for some reason after my manic episode I just stopped caring about school. I could do the work but I chose not to, or when I did choose to I did it really half-assed. The thing is I got the attitude that this was stupid but I did manage to get an Associate's degree. I went to the U of M for 3 semesters before being kicked out and I really have no desire to go back. I also love to argue and don't shy away from verbal bouts, as you can see in past examples on this blog. I have become much better and more refined at it over the years and have hopes of maybe seeking public office someday in the distant future. I also want to thank the fact that I have Aspergers because I really believe it helped me cope with my Dad's sudden, unexpected and tragic death earlier this year. I have learned to compartmentalize things and I believe that is a great function of this condition, I really don't like calling it a disease even though some do. I am also aware that my story COULD have been much different, while I still struggle to pay bills and payback money that my Mom has loaned me over the years and still have a long way to go. That being said I could easily be in prison or jail for doing something stupid while in a different state of mind. Due to the ACLU and patient advocate groups it is much harder to commit someone involuntarily even if they need it. We need to re-think our laws. It shouldn't be as easy as it was to throw people in a mental institution but it also shouldn't be as hard as it is now. It is basically impossible to hold someone without their consent for more than 72 hours. We also need more mental hospitals/institutions whatever you want to call them. Things need to change, we need to rethink these laws. We DO NOT need to curtail 2nd amendment rights. We need to be able to commit people that need it. Finally I will end my post the same way the woman whose article inspired me to write this: It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.

And now for something uplifting...

Now with all the depressing world news and the vicious Republican Primary in full swing I thought I'd do a story that is uplifting and actually quite cool. I found this on snopes.com and the best part is it is actually a local story that went viral thanks to an amazing and awe-inspiring picture...


courtesy of the star tribune...
It was a crow that first caught Frank Glick's attention. It was flying around erratically, so Glick got out his Nikon camera and followed it. It was around 6 a.m. on a hazy spring day and he was driving through Fort Snelling National Cemetery because he was early for a training meeting at Delta Airlines, where he works. Glick is an amateur photographer, but he always carries his camera, just in case. So he followed the crow, in some cultures a symbol of good luck and magic, until he saw it: a huge eagle perched on a tombstone, its eyes alert, its head craned, looking for prey. In the foreground, dew glistened on the grass.

Glick got his shot. He didn't think too much about the photo, until he showed it to a co-worker, Tom Ryan, who e-mailed it to his brother, Paul. Paul wondered whether a relative of the soldier might want a copy. The tail of the eagle partially covered the man's name, but Paul did some research and looked up the soldier's name in newspaper obituaries. The eagle had landed on the grave of Sgt. Maurice Ruch, who had been a member of the St. Anthony Kiwanis Club, the obituary said. Paul called the club, and it put him in touch with Jack Kiefner, Ruch's best friend. When Glick took his photo, he never could have guessed how much it was going to mean to Kiefner and Ruch's widow, Vivian. One day this week, I met with Kiefner and Vivian Ruch in her St. Anthony condo. The actual print would be delivered later that day, but Vivian held a copy of the statuesque photo and her voice broke as she talked about Maurie, his nickname, who died from a form of Parkinson's in 2008 at age 86. "I'm sorry," she said. "This is very emotional for me." Maurie graduated from college in mechanical engineering in December of 1941 and enlisted in the U.S. Army Air Corps. Known for his keen eye, he became a rifle marksman and was stationed in the Aleutian Islands. He served four years in the military and earned a bronze star.

To those who knew Maurie, he was a calm and deliberate giant. He stood 6 feet, 4 inches tall, with broad shoulders, but he was also unassuming and unpretentious. "Used to call him Mr. Precise," because of his love of order and knack for fixing things, said Vivian. The Ruches had a rotary telephone long after they became obsolete because Maurie scavenged parts and kept the phone working. "He could work a slide rule like nobody else," said Kiefner, who was a manager at Honeywell when Maurie was there as an engineer. Kiefner and Maurie were friends for more than 60 years. Not many people can say that anymore. Maurie also loved nature and photography, so "he would have absolutely loved this picture," Vivian said. "I told him his first love was his rifle."

On a rainy morning, Vivian spread photos of Maurie in the service, and the two old friends sat and ate banana bread and talked about a man they both loved. They got that opportunity because a guy they didn't know, Frank Glick, caught a special moment, and he and his friends took the time to seek them out and share the photo. I told Vivian that some cultures believe the eagle is a symbol, not only of patriotism and dignity, but a messenger between heaven and earth. She nodded solemnly.

"I'd say the eagle had a very good eye when he landed on Maurie, and he was respected," she said. "I miss him," said Vivian as she picked up the photo. "He was a good man and a good provider." "The eagle couldn't have picked a better person," said Kiefner. He paused. "This has been kind of fun hasn't it?" Tears welled in Vivian's eyes.

Failblog/Failbook/FML friday...

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Today, I was at a party where I ate bowl of disgusting snacks because I didn't want to drink on an empty stomach. I spent the next twelve hours trying to prevent the world from collapsing into millions of demonic shards, cause apparently that's what a large dose of magic mushrooms does. FML

Today, my boyfriend of six years broke up with me for a girl he's known for less than 72 hours. Why? He wanted someone pure. I lost my virginity to him five years ago. FML

Today, I wore my cool new shirt with an oriental character on it to class. The Chinese TA burst into laughter and told me the shirt read, "I am a sad, pathetic person." FML

I see a 'sack' which appeared to contain a liquid. Being the curious type, I cut open the sack, spraying said liquid over me and my desk. My teacher, after giggling, informed me that the liquid was in fact urine. I was pissed on by a dead pig. FML

Today, my girlfriend sent me a naked picture of herself and I wish she hadn't. FML

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

Today, at my sister's engagement party, my cousins thought it would be funny to get my nanna drunk. They regretted it when she told them, and everyone else at the party about her sex life and how she fakes orgasms with my grandpa. FML

Today, my 5 year old lactose intolerant daughter decided to have some chocolate. The result: me cleaning the bathroom walls at 3am, finishing at 4:30am, and then start cleaning again at 5am when her stomach contents decided I had missed a spot. FML

Today, I thought my online boyfriend was calling me, so the first line I said was "Hey, Baby." His wife answered with, "This is Jenny. Who's this?" After speaking for thirty minutes, I found out he's married, fifty-eight, and has two kids. I'm seventeen. FML

Today, I found out I will not be getting my class ring. The jeweler has a policy against doing engravings that contain "obscene or offensive language or phrases". What obscene phrase did I want? My initials and year. W.T.F.2010. FML
Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

Today, I was at a zoo with some friends in Germany. People were talking to this bird and it responded in complete, grammatically correct German sentences. One of my friends said 'Wow, that bird has better grammar than the exchange student!' A bird speaks better German than me. FML

Today, my boss called me into her office to tell me I needed to mind my own business and not question everything my newest co-worker does. Yesterday, I stopped the new girl from giving $6,000 to the wrong person. I was fired on the spot. The new girl was promoted into my job. FML


Today, I arrived in Austria. Within about an hour, I realized that I couldn't understand any "German". Turns out they have a totally different dialect here to anything I was taught in school. I'm here till May. FML

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

Today, my friend called me freaking out because of an online pregnancy test. She was scared because she had no idea that she was pregnant, let alone having a fifteen pound baby. The website is a joke. She goes to an Ivy League school, and I couldn't even get into community college. FML

Today, I learned explosive diarrhea is real. I felt it coming and dashed into our supermarket. 10 feet in, liquid poo started spewing down my pants legs. 150 feet to go. I ran. It ran. They watched. After 15 minutes of cleaning, I slunk out. Now, I have to find a new market, maybe a new town. FML

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

Today, I was working at a children's play centre, and my stomach was twisting and turning. Thinking no one was around, I let out a small fart, only to turn and see a little girl running to her mom yelling, "Mommy-mommy that lady just farted and it sounded like daddy!" FML

I promise I'm going to be better at this...

Very demotivational wededays here again...



















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