I AM Adam Lanza

On Friday and over the weekend, like the rest of the nation and world, I watched in horror and heartbreak on what happened in Newtown. Then when I heard about the shooter (that's how I will refer to him or maybe "A L", I only could bring myself to write his name once in the title) having Asperger's and being mentally ill. Well lets just say that hits way too close to home for me. I have struggled with mental illness through most of my teen and now young adult life (for those of you who don't know, I'm 26 right now). This post will be somewhat modeled after the "I am A L mother" article that has floated around the web the past few days. While it is important to get a parents perspective I think it is much, much more critical to get inside the head of the shooter. Not to defend him or explain away why he did it, we all know that this is an indefensible act, but on how to prevent people like him from taking their problems out on society and completely innocent children and adults. This is going to be somewhat tough for me so please bear with me, in order to understand where I'm coming from you need to know where I've been. I had a somewhat normal childhood but when puberty kicked in things really started to go downhill. I was a pretty good basketball player for my school (I was 6'1 by 7th grade and finally topped out at 6'4 in 9th grade) but I was teased day in and day out. I was the classic loner and remember thinking when Colombine happened that I could, sadly, really relate to those two guys. I thought about suicide constantly from the age of 13 to 15, ironically the thing that saved me from ever attempting it is the fact I am an only child and I wanted to stick it out for them. If I had siblings I would have tried, and maybe even succeeded at it but thank God I'll never know. I have not even told my parents (well just Mom now, but we will get to that later) that fact to this very day. Now unlike a lot of kids High School was an absolute Godsend for me, ironically the people that made my life a living hell in grade school and middle school became good friends in high school that I stay in contact with to this day. There were still battles of depression and bipolar (but we didn't know at the time) but things didn't start to get really crazy until about the Summer of 2005 (you can even go back on this blog and see some of the stuff I posted). When Katrina hit New Orleans something in me seriously snapped, I'll be damned if I know what but it let me to being hospitalized for about 10-14 days in September 2005. The rest of the year is fuzzy because apparently coming down from a manic episode that I had is a very serious and delicate process. It still is to this day I take my medication every night out of sheer routine because if I have another episode like that they say there is a chance I might never go back. That being said I still remember being manic was awesome, it felt like I could do anything and that my IQ had increased 50-60 points, my mind was always racing with new and creative ideas and I really wish I had written some of them down because they might have actually been good ideas, alas I'll never know. Finally in 2006 I was diagnosed with Aspergers and being on the 'autism spectrum', I still don't exactly know what the hell that means and I do kind of think its a cop out. I know I am different, but unlike most people with my condition I am outgoing and love people. I was never violent during my time being manic but I did threaten violence, sad to say I think I may have even threatened my parents but fortunately they understood it wasn't really "me" talking. That being said I know I could become violent if I felt that I needed to protect someone or myself. I managed to graduate high school with much ease which is apparently uncommon as well, I never had a real problem until college. And believe me it wasn't the work, for some reason after my manic episode I just stopped caring about school. I could do the work but I chose not to, or when I did choose to I did it really half-assed. The thing is I got the attitude that this was stupid but I did manage to get an Associate's degree. I went to the U of M for 3 semesters before being kicked out and I really have no desire to go back. I also love to argue and don't shy away from verbal bouts, as you can see in past examples on this blog. I have become much better and more refined at it over the years and have hopes of maybe seeking public office someday in the distant future. I also want to thank the fact that I have Aspergers because I really believe it helped me cope with my Dad's sudden, unexpected and tragic death earlier this year. I have learned to compartmentalize things and I believe that is a great function of this condition, I really don't like calling it a disease even though some do. I am also aware that my story COULD have been much different, while I still struggle to pay bills and payback money that my Mom has loaned me over the years and still have a long way to go. That being said I could easily be in prison or jail for doing something stupid while in a different state of mind. Due to the ACLU and patient advocate groups it is much harder to commit someone involuntarily even if they need it. We need to re-think our laws. It shouldn't be as easy as it was to throw people in a mental institution but it also shouldn't be as hard as it is now. It is basically impossible to hold someone without their consent for more than 72 hours. We also need more mental hospitals/institutions whatever you want to call them. Things need to change, we need to rethink these laws. We DO NOT need to curtail 2nd amendment rights. We need to be able to commit people that need it. Finally I will end my post the same way the woman whose article inspired me to write this: It’s time for a meaningful, nation-wide conversation about mental health. That’s the only way our nation can ever truly heal.